Markers of a “Good” Relationship

A few months ago, I was asked by a bride-to-be, and her appointed bridesmaids, “what makes a good relationship?” Through the chit-chat, high tea, and niceties of bridal showers, I heard attendees answer the question with vague clichés; “happy wife, happy life”, “never go to bed angry”, “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”, and others. As a Marriage and Family Therapist, child of divorce, and monogamist extraordinaire, this question nestled itself into my brain, and continued to be top of mind for a few days.

While impossible to understand the minutia of each and every relationship, I have learned through both personal, and work experience, that many couples often find themselves battling the same problems over and over again.

According to Gottman’s Four Horsemen, couples should avoid or work through criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling — all incredible and necessary markers in order to work together as a couple. However, if we were to approach relationships from a strength based approach, we should also know to highlight what we’re doing right.

*Disclaimer*
“Good” is relative. Take what works, and leave the rest.

1. Pick your battles. Relationships cannot be equal all of the time. Keeping score and keeping track of how much they paid here, and how many times you’ve done the dishes there is not helpful. There are more important things to focus on. Instead, focus on what your partner does right, and what you are each bringing to the relationship in different ways. Conversely, ignoring an issue is also unhelpful. If something feels uneven a significant amount of the time, bring it to the other person’s attention.

2. Communicate clear and reasonable expectations of one another. Are you expecting your partner to plan your birthday? Is that reasonable? Does your partner expect you to be the stay at home parent? Is that reasonable? Are you expecting them to communicate in the exact same way as you? What if one is an introvert vs. extrovert? What if one needs a longer time to process their feelings, and the other talks about everything in the moment?

3. Maintain and respect boundaries. If your partner does not like when you call them a particular name, don’t call them that name. If you have asked your partner not to discuss a personal story in front of others, that boundary should be respected. It is absolutely reasonable to challenge each other to be better people, but it is not appropriate to push one another for our own agendas. You are on each other’s team — your partner’s feelings should be a priority. Respect their feelings, and their boundaries.

4. No under the belt/low blows. Do not use your partner’s history or mistakes against them. If you have already solved a problem, do not bring it up as ammo in another fight later on. Don’t hit them where it hurts, and in the most tender spots. You are their safe space, and when you do that, you ruin the trust and the safety of the relationship.

5. Actively participate in each other’s interests. Be supportive of your partner’s efforts and accomplishments! Prove to them that you are listening by engaging in the conversation, asking questions, and trying to participate in the things they enjoy! Give it a shot! Actively listening* to day-to-day conversations is also an important part of this.
*Active listening techniques: make eye contact, ask follow up questions, reflect back what you heard to confirm what was said, validate feelings.

6. Have your OWN life. Being supportive and participatory in one another’s interests is important, but does not mean you have to be a part of them all the time. As a good friend of mine once said, “I want to be co-independent.” Having activities/interests you share is important, but don’t lose yourself in the relationship. You were a whole person before you met your partner, and you are a whole person regardless of your relationship. Make sure to get some YOU time in too!

7. Greet each other every day. It’s been said that in order for a hug to have any lasting positive effect, it needs to last more than a second or two, and your bare tummies should be touching. Greet each other at the end of the workday with a tummy hug. In this small way, you are welcoming your partner home, making time to be together, and connecting. For those who are uncomfortable, or cannot practice this, another way to greet each other is to start the day by saying “good morning, I love you” to one another. My partner and I do both of these things on a daily basis, and full disclosure — it’s awesome.

8. Understanding, and speaking each other’s love languages. It’s important to understand how your partner interprets and gives love and affection. Physical Touch, Giving Gifts, Acts of Service, Quality Time, or Words of Affirmation (or multiple!). This concept goes back to the expectations you have of your partner. It can be helpful to make a list of things that they could do that help you feel loved. And vice versa! There is a tendency to resent having to teach one another how to love the other person properly, but in reality, we cannot read each other’s minds, and it is important to accept and encourage teachable moments.

9. Sex is not a weapon. I cannot stress this enough; consent is necessary. Feeling safe is the most important part of physical intimacy, and expressing your desires or boundaries is imperative. However, if withholding sex/physical affection is a way to further an agenda, you are using the love and affection you have to give as a means to manipulate. Alternatively, providing physical closeness, and then harboring resentment for your partner over it is also unhelpful. Be clear about your wants and needs, and be respectful of your partners who are not interested in engaging in these acts. Physical intimacy should not be a way to control or influence any partner’s actions — it is a way to express desire, love, and closeness.

*This is a very sensitive topic for many people. If at any point you feel unsafe in a relationship, please reach out to support services.

10. Don’t punish behavior you want to see. This sounds intuitive, but it’s incredibly important to not use sarcasm or snark to express that you are happy with something. For example; If your partner does the dishes only after the sink is completely covered and you have no more clean dishes, it’s not helpful to say sarcastically, “Wow, finally.” It’s much more appropriate and helpful to provide positive reinforcement, and say, “I noticed you did the dishes! Thank you so much, they were stressing me out!” If you act with sarcasm, and resentment after your partner does something well, they will take it as punishment, and are far less likely to want to engage in those activities/chores again.

If you and your partner are having difficulties, and would like to speak to someone, there are Therapists/Counselors available to help.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us